Not as strong as I thot

I pride myself with always been in control of my life and emotions. I was never agitated or panicky about what tomorrow would bring. I used to tell myself that the headache of surviving the next minute was enough and so I would take every day as it came and make the best of it.

I am not given to much talking because I grew up with a mind set that there was strength in silence; a certain impenetrable resilience occassioned by my operating in my soundless void. So even while in the presence or company of a cacophonous mob like my group of friends, I was always the "extremely quiet and inscrutable" one.

That is, perhaps, why I don't indulge in achohol. I fear that my tongue will get loosened in my inebriated stage and I would give too much away. So while I sometimes admire the wanton liberties that come with inebriation observed in others, I would stoically stick to my non-achoholic beverages. My friends, (that riotous bunch of youths I hang and roll with) would always throw jabs at me by ordering "pure water" for me whenever we hang out. lol. I was like the proverbial "whitened sepulchre" Cool and calm on the exterior, but deep withing, another story all together.

I used to feel like I needed to be responsible for my actions and decisions, however they turned out. It would kinda feel silly to me if I had to explain away a bad outcome with the dim witted excuse that I was drunk and out of my mind. I was reading recently about a popular celebrity who got drunk and rammed her SUV into another car, killing the occupant, a young and upwardly mobile medical practitioner.

Bottomline is that I used to feel like I was always in control of my emotions. Which is why I am a bit baffled by my recent emotional disposition to certain life-changing occurences in my life.

Firstly, it was the panic that gripped me during the recent "right-sizing" (read, RETRENCHMENT) that happened at my workplace. The issue then was that it suddenly occured to me that if I was affected, I did not have a Plan B. I had poured my entire life and resources into one pot and now that pot had developed holes and was now sinking fast. Worse still, I didn't even have the proverbial straw to cling to. Thankfully, that exercise came and went and I am still here (still have a job, that is.)

I heaved a sigh of relief, but I guess I did that too soon. My services to the business has been outsourced to another company. In a very short while, I would have a different employer. Now, I would most likely be sitting at the same desk I am now and carrying out the same functions I am carrying out now. But my paymaster would be different.

As if that wasn't bad enough, my little girl turned two recently (happy birthday luv) and it is suddenly dawning on me that she is growing into a young lady and it is my responsibility to equip her with the resources she would need to survive in life. The thing is that I am beginning to question my parenting skills:

Do I spend enough time with her?

Am I morally and spiritually grounded enough to give her the kind of instructions she would require to make those tough decisions in life as she grows older?

Do I have my finances sorted out well enough to ensure she will never have to be sent away from school "because daddy has not (read, CANNOT) pay my fees?

Its somewhat unsettling to note that I have not been able to give myself convincing answers to these posers though I have spent quite some time ruminating on them. It keeps me awake for long hours during the night.

As if that wasn't bad enough, we recently took delivery of number 2; a healthy, fair-complexioned, 4.2kg bundle of joy. Huge boy, I tell you!!! Lol. Suddenly, my sleepessness has doubled...Lord help me.

Spoke to a friend and he told me I must be going through a mid-life crises. It sounded like a logical explanation until it occured to me...I have not reached what I would term mid-life yet!! Perhaps the way i feel right now is a consequence of certain wrong decisions I took earlier on in life. Or perhaps, i am just not as strong as I once thought I was...

I dey come...